Trust, honesty, pretending, and a post that I've started and stopped writing three times.

It's been a long time..[I shouldn't have left you, left you.]  Oh sorry.  I really started singing right there.  Anyways, it has been a while but don't worry, I'm fine! 

 Remember how I told you that I was probably going to get pimped out for special projects at work for the summer?  Well, they actually reassigned me to a different practice for the entire summer since their Director of Events quit after three months of being here..(drama!)  Anyways, with that being said, I'm currently working with the Education team on a big project helping them plan their 2015 Symposium's.  It's been really busy, crazy, and all things in between.  Overall, though, it's been a good experience thus far. I don't really love sudden changes but once I got the hang of it, I remembered that I can pretty much do whatever.  That's been a nice little reminder. Like, "Hey, you're actually pretty good at this stuff!" It's nice. I'll be ready for the summer to be over and back to my old job around August/September I'm sure.  But right now I'm just happy I have something to keep me busy.  

Changing things up totally keeps life interesting.  

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I've been thinking a lot the past couple of weeks about honesty and trust.  My coworker always has the worst online dating horror stories.  I've realized that these constant stories over the last couple of years has kind of turned me into an untrusting person. Is that a word? Whatever, you get it.  I'm trustworthy but I'm not dumb enough to believe that Ryan So-and-So from Provo, Utah is super wealthy, has his own private Jet, and is trying to find love on a free dating site.  Sorry.

 At the beginning of her online dating journey there were a few people who seemed pretty great at first and I was actually excited for her! ...Until one of them ended up wanting to Skpe to show her the razor-back yellow nightie he got himself whilst shopping one week.  That was the end of that. 


Overall it's a little disappointing.  Pretty much every new person that she starts to talk about I have to hold myself back because I feel so cynical. Don't get me wrong, though, I want her to find love! I really do.  I also want to believe that there aren't that many sketchy people in the world but that would be crazy to believe.  What I don't get is why people insist on lying so much?! If you're really wanting to find love, then why would you lie?  It's annoying! I mean if I decide that i'm going to start online dating then my main mission is to 1.) find love and 2.) not get murdered. That's it.  You would think that ones mission to find love would at least be led with honesty. I just don't understand all the false information I hear people giving through my coworkers stories.  


All online dating stories aside, I think we all do that sometimes even to the people we love the most.  Maybe we aren't telling full blown lies like the people above but we choose not to bring things up because we don't want people to know the real us or the real issues or trials that we go through.  Why?  Because that is admitting that our life isn't as perfect as people think it is.  Normally this happens simply because we're afraid that it will change the way they see us or because we are embarrassed of a certain thing or situation. Or because we just don't want to face the issue.  We pretend that it doesn't exist if we don't talk about it.  I can think of a couple of things that I don't even bring up to the closest people I know because for the longest time I thought that it showed weakness. These things aren't huge and I've never lied about them, I just normally choose not to talk about them.

But WHY do we sometimes hide things from people we care about?  Why do we need people to think that we're invincible and more put together than we really are?  I've decided that it comes down to the fact that people are so judgmental.  For example.. me.  I can sit and talk crap with the best of them.  In fact, there are some social situations I find myself in where I honestly don't have anything in common with the people I'm with so I feel like the only thing we can do is talk about other people we know.  I'm not proud of it.  But I'm also not alone.  Anyone who is reading this is most likely guilty of it at some point too.  I know my readers ;) Since I know this happens, I know that people also talk about me.  I don't love it, but I know that it's a thing so I've found myself wanting to stand up and say things a couple of times and open up about how I feel about certain things, but I usually don't because 1) I don't want people to have more things to talk about and 2) I don't like feeling weak.

But the more I thought about it, and a certain situation that happened a while back, I've realized that I would want people I love to be able to open up and to show their true colors.  I'm a pretty understanding person.  If you've messed up and you feel like you have no one else to go to, I'm not going to judge you for that.  I mess up more times than I care to admit.  If you're going through something big, I want to be there for you or I want you to feel like you have someone you can go too.  I know it's hard to admit sometimes that we have negative things in our lives.  But we all have our things.  And I really do believe that those things help mold us into the people we are.  Because of that, they would be things we talk about with the people we love.  It just makes me a little sad that we sometimes feel like we have to try to fit this mold of a near perfect life where we have to just have this "it's OK" attitude when we go through something hard or we feel embarrassed to share things with people we love because we think that even they won't understand.  It's kind of sickening.  I sure hope I'm not the only one who feels this way.  


So after mulling this whole thing over for a couple of weeks, I've realized that it's OK to be cautious when it comes to trusting sketchy strangers (ie: online dating, or to anyone at the 711 by my apartment at any point of the day or night.)  But when it comes to the people we love the most, we just have to love the crap out of them and stop being so judgmental over stupid things so they will be able to trust us and open up about fears, insecurities and trials that they are going through.  No one should have to live their life pretending to be something that they're not or hiding things from the people they love.  That's crazy.  And kind of makes me want to cry.

It's OK to go through things.  It's OK to admit that your life isn't perfect and put together.  The people who love you most will understand and will probably help you through it and that, in turn, opens up more trust and can even cause more love to grow in whatever your relationship is.

Be you.  The people who don't like that person can get steppin'.

I've had an interesting week.

Things have been a little weird with work.   If you haven't heard in the news already, they've found a cure for Hepatitis C!  I did some research today and found out that 3 to 5 million Americans carry the Hepatitis C virus.  Like, what?! The only problem is that it's $86,000 a person for the treatment; one of the priciest drugs. Since I work with the VA, of course they are going to have to take care of a lot of Vet's with the virus.  Yes, I'm happy about that.  It's obviously a great thing! But it's going to be a lot of money to take care of that.  That just means I'm probably going to have a couple of months of doing special projects orrrr reading books at my desk, pinterest-ing until I want to poke our my eyeballs, or facebooking so much that I end up deleting almost all of my friends.  Let's pray it doesn't get to that point.  But I will endure it well in the name of all those Vets who hopefully are going to be cured of HepC ;)

At least I will have one week off in June.  I'm getting so excited for my trip to see Jamie and her family next month.  Can you believe Mason will be three?  I swear just yesterday he was born and I was Facetiming him as a little baby who couldn't even walk.  Now he's going to school! (Technically it's just Day Care three times a week but he's so big and so cute and takes a backpack, has recess, and a friend named Jamal. omg. I can't even handle it.)

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I had a little bit of a breakdown the other day once again thinking about my future.  I've said it a million times, but life is hard and we have so many choices to make. They never stop.  I'm grateful that we have our agency and that we can make our own decisions, but sometimes I just want someone smarter and greater than me to just tell me what to do and where I'm supposed to be.  Life would be easier that way.  Alas, life wasn't meant to be easy and we knew what we were getting ourselves into before we came down to Earth.

I'm positive that we were super happy to follow the Savior and were like, "Yay, send me! I want to make my own choices, I want to be tested, and I want to do everything I can to make it back to live with my Heavenly Father and Savior!" I'm sure we were all super gung-ho about it.  I'm grateful we all chose to follow the Savior because let's face it, Satan is the worst.  But sometimes I think it would have been awesome if we could have selected a platinum "cop out" option or something where we could just be given a couple of choices where we could just say, "Nope.  Too Hard.  You decide for me."  That would have been nice.  But I guess that would have been Satan's plan if it was that way....ha.  I'm not perfect. 

At the end of the day, I'm thankful for agency and for the knowledge I have that everything will work out as I faithfully relay on the Lord with all of the choices I make.  We don't have to do it alone.  Sometimes I forget about that when I'm in the heat of the moment and I get super dramatic.  BUT I know that as long as I keep the spirit strong in my life and remain close with the Savior, I won't be led astray. I just wish I was quicker to remember that sometimes.  

But really, things will ALWAYS work out. It's just sometimes gets a little scary and uncomfortable.  That's life.

Proverbs 3:5-6

 5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Single's Ward.

Here's why Singles Ward is sometimes the worst: 

Fast and Testimony meetings.  

I get why we have them.  I really do enjoy the opportunity we have to collectively fast one day out of each month and we can focus our thoughts and prayers and think about what we believe in and why we believe in those things.  Testimony meetings are great! I really do enjoy hearing about people's experiences and learning what they believe.  However, I've been in enough Single's Wards to know that the first Sunday of every month (for a lot of people) is a time when you can get up and try to impress the pants off of people. Why?  Because we're all supposed to be single with our eye on the prize! ha.  Yes, there are people who really just want to get up and share their testimony.  I love these people and learn from them each month.  But to the engaged couples who go up hand in hand to the stage because I'm assuming you can't be away from each other for more than 10 minutes.. You make me ill a little.  And to the guy who just gets up there without anything to say and takes almost 10 minutes.. you're annoying.  To the girl who shares the same spiritual moment every month without fail...hun, we get it.  And to the guy who says "I call B.S" or other inappropriate things like jokes about "Finding Nemo" and other things that detracts from the spirit while at the pulpit..you make me cringe.  

For the record, they aren't all like that but I'm just saying that if you want to feel uncomfortable, come with me to Singles Ward on the first Sunday of the month.  You'll get spiritually enlightened with equal parts of "ohhhhh I can't look directly at the speaker or I might just die" moments.  It's pretty great/horrible.

Sunday School.

The second hour of church has always been pretty hit and miss in the Single's Ward.  I'll be honest, most of the time I really do love it and learn a lot.  In this new ward though... The teachers.are.the.WORST.  Sure, I should go with the mentality of "I just want to learn" But I have a really hard time when the teacher never prepares a lesson but somehow manages to go over the allotted time by at least 10 minutes every week.  He's a nightmare.  I think it's also important to mention that he's one of the engaged couples who can't be without his S.O more than 10 minutes.  I kid you not, they are always cuddling and tangled up like a pretzel right there in front of everyone on the pew.  Today his pee colored tie perfectly matched his fiance's cardigan.  I can't make this stuff up.  To be honest, I'm not even sure how he stands up there for 40 minutes teaching a lesson without his fiance next to him.  I'm not bitter, I promise.  I'm totally all for Love.  But things like that make me want to hurl.  People, if you're in a relationship with someone and you go to church with them go ahead and hold hands, it's cool..we'll notice that you're in love and you'll still get the attention you're trying to get.  We're still all going to talk about you.  Sad truth.  Just leave the weird couple/PDA stuff outside of church.  Thanks.

Sticking with the theme of Sunday School, I just want to mention a comment that was made today (by a male) about modesty that went something like this "Girls, watch what you wear.  If your skirt is a little short and you get sexually assaulted.. it's your fault."  OK, yes, I paraphrased that, but everything that came out of that kids mouth was outrageous.  No one corrected him.  I should have but I just rolled my eyes.  I guess that's his opinion and we're all entitled to one but I kind of wish I would have said something or got up and walked out..or punched him in the face.  Alas, I didn't.  On the topic of modesty though, yes, I believe that girls should dress modestly for many different reasons.  There's no reason for girls to run around showing their goodies to everyone.  When they do, they are probably seeking attention in the wrong ways and that's sad.. But that doesn't mean they are asking to be assaulted.  Unless they are legit prostitutes.. but you get what I'm saying.  We all have agency and should be held accountable for our actions.  So no, dude in the back of Sunday school, guys don't just get to blame the girls for what they wear.  Like, "whoops I touched you because you were showing it off and you made me have these strange impure thoughts?" NO.  Get real!

 I couldn't believe the things this kid was saying.  

Oh and I won't even go off as much as I could about how I felt when some girl in Relief Society (during our lesson on Chastity and modesty) started talking about how "animals have a certain mating season when they have to be ready for their females and human females have their periods all different times so men have to be ready for them at any given time.  It's just their hormones and they way they work" I KID you not.  That happened and it was extremely awkward.  I'm sure my eyes were super huge and my jaw was touching the ground.  I couldn't look away from her because I couldn't believe what was coming out of her mouth. 

Yes, yes, at the end of the day I love church and I learned some really good things and felt the spirit strongly.  But sometimes...sometimes I just wish I went to a home ward.  I guess I'm only 4 or so years away from that.  Until then it makes for good stories!  And really, I just love going to church.  It's the highlight of my week.  It's a time where I can really reflect on my week and how I can do better the next week.  I used to think that Sundays were the end of the week and Monday morning was the start of the new but I've found as I've gotten older that Sunday really should be seen as the start of a new week.  We get to start fresh and try to do better than we did the last week.  I love Sundays.  I might not always love the Singles Ward I'm in but I really do understand why we have it.  It's  great to be around people your age.  Yes, there are many awkward moments and interesting people but church is church.  And I love it. 

 I suppose I really need to work on being more understanding and loving.. I mean, we all are Children of God.  Heck, I might be I'm the weird one!  We're all a little weird.  I just prefer to only get weird and slightly inappropriate in front of small groups of people I know, not the entire Ward.  Whatever.  To each their own.

Have a great week!

Try.

I apologize way to often on this blog about the lack of blog posts.  I'm not going to apologize for it again but I am going to try to be better not just because so many people call me out on it but most importantly because I just love writing and blogging.  I want to set the record straight that I don't think my thoughts, stories, or opinions are greater or more entertaining than anyone else's.  I'm not the smartest girl alive.  I just think that there is something really cool about writing your feelings and thoughts down and knowing that someone will eventually read them.  It might not be today or any time this year, but somewhere along the road someone will read this post.  I don't care who the person is, really. I don't care if they get anything out of it or if they only read it because they think I'm crazy and entertaining.  Whatever.  I never expect family or friends to check my posts at all.  In fact, writing posts might be easier and slightly more honest if I knew the people closest to me wouldn't ever read them.  (I hate that I just said that, but it's honest.  I told you a while ago that I changed my privacy settings on the blog so that randos couldn't find it through google anymore.  I quickly realized that wasn't my problem.  The issue I had was that I was going through some interesting things that I wanted to write about but I felt crazy and didn't want that many people having access to it all the time.  I realized that I only cared about the people closest to me who read my blog or who might stumble across it.  What a joke.  Hiding things from people we love the most?  I really need to work on it.  As I've said many times before.. I'm not as brave as I would like to be.  Not even close..  But I've never had a bigger desire to want to change than after this last weekend.  I'll let you know how that goes but I'm not making promises because I was also told this weekend that I don't give myself enough credit.  The struggle.)

Anyways, there hasn't been a whole lot of things that have changed in the life of Jenn.  I mean, I feel like there are a lot of things going on around me but I've yet to figure out what my next "thing" will be.  I'm not asking for any big changes right now but I know that I need to work on setting some goals and getting motivated to make some changes.  We always can do better.  What I do know is that I could use some sunshine and warm weather around here!  It's definitely spring here in Utah, though.  We've gotten some pretty good rain, things are getting green, the flowers are blooming, my skin is still super white, and it occasionally is still really cold.  Like right now I'm trying to decide if I should turn on the heater or just get under the covers of my bed. But, alas, I know myself good enough to not do the latter.  I would be asleep in 20 minutes.  It's only 8:00pm..  #grandmastatus

This weekend Easton invited all of us to go up to Lava Hot Springs.  His family has a timeshare there for one week each year and apparently his family doesn't use it.  I'm not sure why but we quickly accepted the invitation.  Chris, Easton, Nieko, Sam, Willy and I went up Friday night and Cole and Kier decided to join us for Saturday and Sunday.  I'm really glad that Cole and Kier came up.  As much as I love the boys, it was nice to have another girl around for the last night.  Especially a girl who's my sister!  ha.  Mom commented on my instagram picture on Friday night saying "Jenn you're brave" because I was up there will all those boys.  Being called brave isn't something I heard too often but I don't really think of it as "brave" because since high school I've never really had a lot of "girl friends."  Amanda couldn't come because she had to work and I wasn't going to miss out on a Lava weekend with them because I was going to be the only girl.  Yeah right.  I'm used to it.  

We spent the weekend just hanging out, swimming, eating pizza, drinking too many energy drinks that are super unhealthy for you (but on the real, the Green Apple Rockstar is BOMB), watching the playoffs ( I didn't really watch them, but they were on pretty much the entire time we were in the condo), going on walks in the small town, singing Karaoke and dancing at "The Wagon Wheel", having a touch of drama (which I won't talk about because it's over and done with), having great talks, looking at the stars, and playing games.  It really was a fun weekend getaway.  Sure, we woke up to snow on Saturday and it rained quite a bit, but we were able to do all the things we wanted to do while we were there.  

I really do love my friends..each for different, specific reasons. I've learned so much from each of them over the past couple of years and wouldn't change anything about it.  We all believe in so many different things, have different standards, and are in different places in life but we care about each other too much to ever let that get in the way of our friendships as a whole or to be offended by our different beliefs.  I just like that we respect each other even when I know some things we all do might be hard for the other to understand.  I  really love surrounding myself with people from different walks of life because they have so many interesting things and ideas to bring to the table.  In fact, some of my biggest testimony builders about the gospel have come from learning experiences I've had with people we aren't members of our church.  I had another one of those moments this weekend.

I also realized once again about how important it is to tell people how you really feel even if it seems like the hardest thing to do and even if you know the response might not be what you want to hear.  If you want things to change in your life (no matter what it is) you can't just sit back and wait for it.  You have to try!  Sometimes that might mean that you have to go out of your comfort zone and let people in but you have to give them a chance, and you have to be ballsy if it's something or someone you care that much about.  I know that it's easier said than done but I can attest that holding things in or putting things off will never get you the results you want.  It will be hard but even if things don't turn out the way you want them to after you've made your move, later down the road it will become one of the best things you ever did for yourself because you will have gotten rid of the chains that have been holding you captive, worried, angry, fearful or sad for so long. You can be free of that! You can move on. We just have to not let fear get in the way of trying for the things we want.  I know it's hard.  

Let's just all get a little weird and uncomfortable this week and say or do that something that we've wanted to do for a while.  K!? ;)

Life is so short! I have an idea of where I want to be in life and I get distracted and discouraged quite a bit.  But I was also reminded this weekend from a good friend that we really are just doing the best we can with what we have.  Sure, we can always do a little better and try a little harder but this life on Earth is an amazing gift.  We only get to do it once and I for sure want to make it as great as it can be.  If you've found yourself in a rut lately, held back or let down by some of the many screwy things of this world, take a a few minutes to stop, look at the stars, breathe, and realize that there are so many great things out there.  Crappy things will happen, drama will happen, things will get in the way of your goals, you might have to clean up some messes that you'd rather not have to but the Earth will keep turning.  Life will go on!  It's really up to us to make the most of it with what we have.  Figure out what you want.  Make it happen.  Stay positive.  I've said it once and I'll say it again.. Things can't suck forever. 

If you're worried about how you're doing and think about it often then I promise that you're already doing pretty OK :)  

Never stop trying for the things you want.
(unless the thing you want is a specific boy or girl and you've told them you love them and they don't reciprocate. If that's the case, hunny, you best move on to the next.  No one likes a crazy creeper.)

Oh, and a few photo treats for you from the weekend:

yes, I can kick high.

If you only knew how much you couldn't see us in this selfie before I edited it.  haha.  Lava is one of a kind.  Motels have to advertise that they have staples like "color TV" and "Private Full baths." WTH, right?!

  

The End is Not the End.

This weekend I attended the funeral of my friend's brother who passed away while on his mission in Guam from head injury after falling from a tree.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about how precious and short our time on Earth is. 

Funerals make me sad, that is true, but they also always make me want to be a better person.  I didn't know Miller but what I do know is that I'm so grateful to have the Gospel and knowledge I have about why we are here and where we are going.  Death scares me a little but only because I don't like the idea of being left behind or without people I care so deeply about.  But I'm fortunate enough to know that when our life ends on this Earth, it is not the end.   

The messages that were shared at the funeral were just a good reminder of what we believe and why we do the things that we do.  I'm not perfect, and I mess up more times than I'd like to admit.  But I know that my worth is not measured by the mistakes I've made.  All I know is that I want to be the person who lives life to the fullest, who is happy, caring, kind, forgiving and who chooses the right and loves others even when people are hard to love.  I want to be and do those things because I love my Savior and because I'm striving to return back to Him and to be with my Family who I know are more righteous than me (haha jk but really.. I know I need to step it up) 

I know that I won't be perfect at it and that I will continue to make dumb mistakes but I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who never gives up on me and never ceases to make me feel loved.  He's surrounded me with amazing people who I don't want to think about my life on Earth without... I'm just glad I know why I'm here and I know what I'm working toward. 

Sure, we get lost sometimes and we forget what we're supposed to be doing and what really matters, but I know that God understands and that He only asks us to try.  I guess we just start by evaluating ourselves and trying to be a little better than we were the day before. If you don't know why you're here and what you're working toward or if you get lost along the way... figure it out. Set goals, find God (have Faith), rely on Him, cherish time with the people you love, and find out what makes you happy.  I know that my days and weeks go better when I'm focusing on the things that matter and not just wishing time away. Yes, I've been guilty on multiple occasions in my life to doing the opposite of all of those things.  We sometimes just need sucky reminders to get us back on track. 

Oh Life :)

I truly believe that we chose to come here and that we knew what we were getting ourselves into.  Prove it to your pre-mortal self that you can do all the hard things you knew might come your way;) ....Weird.  I just thought of it that way and I realized that I have a lot of work to do. 

haha. wow. 
Keep the Faith!

I don't love Winter.

I like to remind Jamie often that she told me they would only be in Maryland for “2 years.”  I’m sure she rolls her eyes on the other side of the phone every time I bring it up.  For the record, though, she really did say that multiple times.  I’m sure it was just her attempt to calm me down when I found out about their decision to move East.  I still hate that they live there.  I still wish the two year thing was truth.  Whatever the case, she said that if I blogged more she would consider moving back.  It’s a fib, I’m sure, but I will give it a try :)

Things have been pretty “blah” lately.  I really don’t love the winter.  My skin gets dry, I get a little sad from the lack of sunshine, and I’m disgustingly pale which always brings on the yearly debate with myself: “To tan, or not to tan?” Cancer risk/cooking my insides or briefly feeling good about myself in shorts and dresses?  The struggle.  Thank goodness tomorrow is officially spring.  Now, if the weather would actually act that way I would get excited about it.  

Not a whole lot has been going on lately which I know is my fault.  I’ve been reading a lot, working, and watching significantly less TV than I used to.  Don’t get me wrong.  I still watch my fair share.  I’ll tell you though, the older I get the sadder I get about the fact that I spend more time at work than I spend awake at home during the week.  It's sad.  I guess that’s how it goes and why they say you are supposed to “pick a profession that you LOVE!”  Blah, blah, blah.  That’s hard!  Finding jobs you love all the time  and that push you is hard!  But I guess it’s not supposed to be easy.  I just wish it was.  Don’t get me wrong, I really have a great job and I’m blessed in more ways than I deserve but sometimes I just want to.. not work.  HA.  Such is life.  I realize that we have to work to live but whyyyyyyy?! Jk. I’m ranting. 

So when people ask me what I’ve been up to and I say “just work and hanging out.” That’s literally what I’m doing right now.  I need a new hobby.  Rachel and I have talked about taking a cooking class. Ha.  We’ll see how that goes.

Speaking of Rachel, I think I mentioned that Amanda and I finally got our new roommate to move in at the beginning of February?  Maybe I didn’t.. well she moved in!   Pros:  She’s nice, She does hair (mega bonus), I bought a washer and dryer from her sister for $200 that her dad and brother delivered (score) and rent is way cheaper.  I honestly don’t know how I was paying $1,100 a month in my old apartment for Cole and I last year.  $350 a month is so much nicer :)  I feel like I spend a lot of time in my room but I don’t mind.  Having the master bedroom with my own bathroom makes it WAY worth paying the extra money.  I could skate in my room if I wanted.  Side note—one time I saw an infomercial for carpet skates and I really wanted them until I realized that you can probably just do it in socks.  Besides the point.  Things are good.  We all get along but that’s probably because we don’t see a lot of each other during the week.   I’m fine with that.  I think the key to any friendship between two or more girls, especially roommates, is space from each other.  So far it’s worked great.  Oh and I would probably see more of them but I’ve decided that I love going to bed early on the week days.  It’s changed my life.

Hmmm.. what’s new, what’s new?  On Monday we had a Government Team lunch at PF Changs to celebrate the end of the 2^nd Quarter.  First of all, I’m always game for good free lunch but I also really like getting to interact with people I work with every day over email and the phone.  When this happens, though, it usually means I get to have a nice chat about my lack of love life.  Always a fun conversation to have when getting to know someone new on a personal level.  I just wish people wouldn’t bring it up. [Why is that even a question you have to ask people?  Should your relationship status be added in your personal introductions or on your email signature? “Hi. My name is Jennifer Hansen, I’m alone.” I blame Facebook.  Curse you Mark Zuckerberg!] When they do I always end up having to spend ten or more minutes convincing them that I’m not sad about it.  It’s annoying.  I get why they ask though.  I mean, I guess that’s supposed to be what I’m doing at my age.  I'm not. I'm fine with it.  Leave me the alone, k?! The coworker did tell me that he only asks because he just doesn’t get why I don’t date.   Super nice.  He also said that “whoever ends up winning me over will be a lucky guy.”  It got weird and cliche for a second but then I just realized that it was a sincere compliment.  I thanked him and quickly turned the conversation over to my other coworker’s love life.  Works every time.

While we’re still on the single note (because that’s clearly in the top three things to describe the life of a person my age especially in Utah) Rachel and I decided to go to our first “25 and older YSA activity" a couple of weeks ago. Yes, it's a thing and yes,it was bad.  You learn a lot about yourselves when you’re put into awkward situations like that.  I learned that I’m a pretty awkward person at first but then I always end up forcing myself to talk to someone. I realized that I don’t like going up to people and being like “What’s your name, tell me your life..blah blah blah.” However, I’m 100% comfortable and 90% more witty and funny if someone has to come up to me.  I will start a conversation, no problem.  If you’re interesting, I will even continue the convo.  If you aren’t interesting and you don’t laugh at my funny comments (*cough* cute Curtis with the nearly there sense of humor*)… Get Steppin’!  But really, I stationed myself and Rachel by the water cooler and cups so people would be like “I need a drink, where are the cups?” and I’d be like “You thirsty? Here’s a cup.  What’s your name?” HA! I promise it was less awkward than I just made it sound.  All I have to say is that those events are the WORST.  I hate going places where I don’t know anyone to start off with but if you’re just eating and "mingling" and not playing games or doing an activity that I can just join in?  Awkward City.

 Dear Mom and Dad, I tried.  The end.

Birthday Surprise and an Auntie's Joy.

I've spent the last six weeks or so trying to keep the arrival of Jamie, Regan and Mason a secret from my parents.  Now that Jamie lives across the country we really don't get to see them too often.  Jamie thought it would be fun to surprise my parents for their birthday.  I don't like keeping secrets.  Sure, if they are a big time and I'm told them in confidence, I won't tell but when it's something that is so exciting like a surprise, I can hardly handle it.  It's like when Jamie told me she was pregnant with Mason right when she found out and I had to wait like 2 months for her to tell mom and everyone else.  It's hard for me.  But we managed to pull it off.  

They flew into Boise, I picked them up, and we walked in (Cole and Kier had just arrived as well) and boy, did mom scream.  She had no clue they were coming!  I'm not sure how, honestly.  I thought for sure I'd spoiled it when she told me that dad had picked up the baby chicks the day before and my immediate response was "Mason, will love those!....(*insert stomach drop) We'll have to Facetime him when I get there."  The little fiblets were flowing all month long. 

My parents were so happy!  I was happy!  I could honestly write 10 posts about all the cute and funny things Mason did, but I won't because he probably won't love me as much when he gets bigger so I probably shouldn't waste my time, but for the record..right now, BOY does this boy love his Auntie. 

When I got to the airport, I decided to go in to see them out of the terminal and to help them get their bags.  It was almost like waiting for a missionary.  It felt like it had been that long since I last saw them.  Right as they walked through the first door, I saw Mason, he saw me, and he ran to me as fast as he could with his heavy "Cars" backpack on.  I could cry now.  It was the best.  I'm not a mother and who knows if I ever will be, but I count myself lucky for having that little boy who loves me so much right now.  And of course Regan too!  She doesn't love me as much I'm sure, but she's 18 and knows my flaws. haha.  I'm a flawless princess to Mason right now and I love it.  In fact, one day this week when I was taking a nap with him he told me I was his girlfriend.  He better love me even when he's 18. ha. (ew weird. I just pictured him as a teen. NEVER GROW UP!).  He also made me wear my old homecoming queen crown and Jamie's Tip-Off queen crown a couple of times.  Told you.  Princess!

Having everyone together is always great!  We went bowling, watched a lot of TV (and Despicable Me 2 because that's Mason's favorite right now), played with Mason, went to build-a-bear and the mall, visited family, rode the four-wheeler, and just hung out a lot.  The only complaint I have, really, is that my parent's place isn't really meant to have that many people in it.  It was cozy, that's for sure.  But we made it work!  Honestly, just being together was just nice.  I really miss my sister and her family when we have to go that long without seeing them.  Makes me sad.  Just like when Mason kept saying "You can't go back Utah, Auntie.  Not ight now."  Sad!  I didn't want to go back.  Just like I didn't want him to leave.  OK, I like having my own room and my own bed and it's always nice to get back to your own life and space.. but I also wouldn't mind if they were just a couple minutes or hours away.  Growing up and moving away SUCKS.  

Dear Jamie, COME BAAAAAAACK!

Now I guess it's my turn to go back out there.  Preferably because the heat of the summer because Humidity is not my friend. I better stalk looking at flights.

-----------

A quick list of other things Mason said/did so I can always remember them:

He's demanding.  Always wants his blanket and apple juice.

He pulled my shirt out a couple of times, looked down and said "boobies!" I laughed though so the second time was my fault, I'm sure.  The boy is just fascinated with the body and being naked.  He either wants in his "jamma's" or to be naked with just his underwear on and under the covers.  The kid knows what's up. One time this weekend he said "Auntie, naked too" as he tried to lift up my shirt while laughing.  I told him he didn't want me to be naked with him.  He complained but got over it really fast.  I probably gave him candy (candy is the ultimate cop-out and I'm the best at it.  Will work on toddlers and most adults).  

He has the sweetest heart.  If he thinks you're sad, he will ask you if you're alright, or just tell you that you're alright and will cuddle you or give you a hug.  I pretended to be sad a couple of times.  Kier even said that when she was laying down with him for a nap he heard Remi in his kennel and he kept saying "ohh, the puppy sad. It's alright."  love.

Even though he loves you he can still be a stinker sometimes.  I'm sure I was being annoying or was just in his way but a couple of times he held his baby finger up to my mouth and said "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"  and one time, "Shut your face," and another time "Be quiet, auntie."  Of course, he said it in the cutest tone which made it super funny. 

I caught him in my bedroom with a bottle of nail polish (i'd left him for not even two minutes) and he opened it up and had almost perfectly painted one of his finger nails.  Bright red.  I came in and quickly grabbed it from him and he said "I have makeup like you, auntie."  I can't.  I need a baby niece too, I just decided.

He remembers everything.  He's so smart!  I told him I would take him to the candy store when he was crying one time (see, the candy thing again) and we didn't go that day but the next day he was telling me that he wanted to go to the candy store.  We finally went.. aka the Jackson's gas station in Notus.  It worked.  I honestly am blown away by how smart he is. 

His laugh.  OMG.

--------------

I could keep going on and on but I won't.  It was just so much fun being with everyone. I'm sure 50 percent of my posts are about how much I love my family but it will never stop so, sorry :) I love my family!  I love Idaho! I love being an aunt! My sister is cool!  

Thanks, Jaym for making it a great week. 

The end.

We all have issues, mine are just weird.

I like to think that I'm a pretty put together human being.  Aside from my Netflix binge-watching problem, I know how to sew! I feel like that's pretty cool.  I also have that piece of paper that says I have a Bachelor's of Science (or "BS", if you will, because that's what it feels like sometimes). One time I learned some html coding stuff outside of Myspace profile designs and set up my own website from scratch. And I sometimes find myself knowing way too many things about people I'll never meet or things I'll never do or see.  I know things...

I'm also kind of a hypocrite.  If you quickly jumped to agreeing with that statement you can just imagine me punching you in the face because that's rude and rude people deserve to be punched.  (Crap! I just realized that I'm being a hypocrite now by I'm saying I'm one but not allowing you to think the same thing.) This is a mess.  

I was called out today by my older sister who had a mini intervention with me over the phone.  You see, I hate going to any kind of doctor.  I'm not sure why because I honestly haven't been that many times and don't have any traumatizing experiences that I can think of.  I just don't like the idea that they can look inside you and find things that are wrong.  I also don't like that they can have last names like "Fillerup" when they are a Cooter Doctor. (I threw the word cooter in for my mom because she loves that word.  Me, though? I prefer coochie, hoohaw, vag, or even VaJarna--Parmites, you know what I'm talking about.  Sorry for getting weird just now) If you're still reading and are curious, that is a legit last name of an OBGYN here in Layton.  Vomit.  Also, just know that I don't mean to be irrational.  In fact, I'm admitting right now that I have some issues (not womanly if you were wondering from all the lady part talk I just made you sit through).  The only thing worst than fearing the idea of having things wrong with you is knowing that I can't get them fixed if you don't know they're there and you can't know they are there without getting it checked.  NIGHTMARE!

I've dealt with some minor anxiety issues for a few years but have always felt like I have it under control by myself.  Since my first panic attack in 2009 I've learned that they always quickly pass if I focus on my breathing (rubbing my chest over my heart also helps) and try to keep myself away from super stressful situations.   As a daughter of someone who's dealt with some health issues you'd think that I would be the first person to get myself in to see someone about any issue since I'm always having my mom make appointments for hers.  I always tell her, "if we don't get this fixed then it will never get better." See.. baby hypocrite Jenn. 

So I guess I need to apologize to my mom and Jamie for saying one thing and doing another.  In my defense, though, most of the times I do straight up tell them "I'm not making that appointment." 

No one likes to admit that they have problems, no matter how minor they are because it makes us feel weak.  Of course, this isn't true. I'm not sure what's going on because I haven't actually seen anyone about it yet but I do finally have an appointment to see someone in a couple of weeks (thanks jaym *Winky/Eye roll face).  The thought still makes me want to vomit and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day.

I'm not as put together as I pretend to be most of the time.   I have more irrational fears than most people I know and have the hardest time doing certain things that most people don't even have to think twice about.  For example, (just to give you a taste since I'm laying it all out there) I have the HARDEST time going certain places or doing certain things by myself.  Doctor?  Drive-Thru?  Forget about it.  I'm a pretty independent person though so this has always bothered me about myself.  It's like my brain just won't let me do it or makes me think really hard about something I shouldn't have to think about at all. According to my smart mother, that is an issue. I've gotten a lot better at it since I've realized that being single is the fate of my 20's and possibly beyond which means you have to do things by yourself if you want to survive.  Don't worry, I grocery shop by myself like a champ now. *insert facial gesture that shows how proud of myself I am without seeming too cocky because it's nothing to be cocky about at all.*

You're probably laughing at me right now and that's OK, because I like to find humor in things that tick me off about myself too.  I will chuckle with you. We all have problems!! For some reason mine is just this brain of mine that doesn't know when to shut up sometimes. I guess I'm just a baby who needs to grow up and start taking my own advice that I would give everyone else. 

I'm working on it :) Sometimes I just need a little push.  Thank heavens for families and people who love me and know how what's best and how to approach it.  

gah!

Family, obvi.

I was going through one of my boxes yesterday before church looking for another set of checks so I could pay my tithing and stumbled across this gem of a picture:

I cried about it all morning and I'm tearing up about it again right now as I type.

You probably just laughed and thought, "Oh Jenn, always so emotional."  But let me break it down for you:

First, just look at Jamie's missing front teeth!  I feel like that's the best.  I'm pretty sure this picture was taken Christmas day in Glen's Ferry at Grandma and Grandpa Stump's house.  We always went there on Christmas day after we'd opened our presents.  Also, one of the few family videos we have of us growing up was of this day because we got a trampoline for Christmas and my dad's bff Danny came over and recorded us jumping on it.  I remember that because Jamie had the same hair and missing teeth in the video, and whinny Cole had that same cute face when he didn't want to jump on the trampoline anymore because he was cold and miserable and mom and dad just let him go back inside by himself.  True story.  That was a great Christmas!  Just like this is a great picture.  

Look at our hair?! Man, the 90's rocked.  Or maybe we rocked the 90's? either way.

I wasn't really emotional about any of those things, though.  I just looked at this picture yesterday and couldn't get over how happy my mom is. Look at her! That's what I loved the most.  Without going into detail, my mom has been through a lot in her life and even now when she feels sick she still somehow tries to always remains happy and is always the most amazing and supportive mother.  She won't say it's so, but she is.  She loves her kids more than anything in this world. She'll admit that one.  I guess I also love the way I'm holding her hand in this picture too.  I don't get the chance to do that too often anymore but I do it whenever I get to go home and visit.. usually when I'm sitting with her at church.. you know, since I'm bigger than her now and I can't sit on her lap anymore.  I cherish those moments now.

I've clearly grown up a lot since this picture but I feel like this just really shows the great bond my mom and I have.  I've been able to be by her side through a lot of sticky times and she's been right by mine through everything thing I've been through too. It can sometimes get hard like life tends to get but those are the moments we grow and benefit from the most. I'm glad I have a mom who never gives up no matter how crappy she's feeling, who loves me, and is truly my best friend.  [My best friend who found a great man to marry who gave me my two best sibling friends I could ever ask for.  Oh and a best friend whom I will forgive publicly right now for all the boy hair cuts growing up.  hahaha But really.] 

I'm just grateful for happy times  and little moments like stumbling across this picture that help remind me how blessed I really am.  Oh and the whole Columbia, MD mall shooting that happened this Saturday leaving 3 people dead?!.. Yeah, Jamie, Mason and Regan were at the mall when it happened.  Luckily, they were on the other side of the mall, didn't have to hear the gun shots, and made it out safe.  Moments like that I take in a deep breath (maybe tear up a little) and think: We're lucky. 

I have a great family and a great life. 

A Rant.

I know I said a couple of weeks ago that "no can really judge you around the New Year for being a little extreme about resolutions" or something like that?  Well it's crap.  I take it back because sadly, some people and the things they do will just annoy you no matter what.  So we judge.  

Opps.

I feel like I stay positive most of the time but if I have to see one more juice cleanse/gym instagram or hear any unprovoked comments about weight loss I'm going to punch someone right in the face.  (side note--I've always had the strongest desire to punch someone in the face.  I never will, I'm sure, but that doesn't mean I little piece of me doesn't want to do it.) I'm all for people getting healthy and losing weight and bettering themselves.  If you can and you have already, great! Let's celebrate with something that isn't food or some of that non-tasting food you claim to love.  I'm in.

Making healthier choices as a New Year's resolution is great and I've tried to joined in by watching things a little more carefully.  Sure I had a s'more the other day at Cole's and I chose to eat a hamburger for lunch today because I realized that I was actually sad about all the salad, grilled chicken, and soup I've been eating for the last week.   For real.  I'm eating this hamburger right now for lunch and I feel like it's the best thing to ever touch my lips.  I'd marry it if I didn't want it in my belly so bad.  It's that good. 

 Aside from talking about it just now, I haven't mentioned it to anyone else beside my mother.  Why? Because I know that no one cares.  Yet, why does everyone around me feel like they have to make a PSA about every dietary choice they are making and every pound they've lost? I kid you not, without me bringing anything up about it, two people told me yesterday "I've lost X pounds already".. and then there is one lady who I know every time she loses a pound because she talks about it so loudly. Isn't that what husbands and best friends are for?  You don't have to tell every person about it.  It makes it seem like you're bragging and that you're better than everyone all of a sudden.  Not a good look for you.

OH and don't even get me started about facebook right now.  No one cares about most of the crap people talk about on there either! I'm not just talking about the gym selfies on Facebook either. *Que facebook rant* Most of the things on facebook are crap.  I hate that Facebook used to be really interesting and about all the fun adventures people had, or funny things that happened to them during the day but now I have to read mostly sad and depressing things.  It's tiring.  I should just stop checking it, because we all know I don't really post on there anymore unless it's for birthdays or to read articles that I didn't happen to already see on my news sites.  For some reason the Ghost of Facebook Past keeps this creature of habit going to it because I remember how good it used to be and I feel like I'm going to miss something interesting if I don't check it.  There's rarely anything good.

Which brings me back to my point: There are certain things you should just probably keep to yourself unless people bring it up.  If I ask you what you're doing because you look so good, then you can tell me all about your "getting fit" resolutions and I'll probably praise you and be excited for you. Also, if I sincerely ask how you're doing because I haven't heard from you then you can totally tell me how depressed you are or what is going wrong in your life and I will listen.  If I'm eating a hamburger with another coworker and we already know you're on a diet, don't comment about it.  Shut your mouth.

Basically..When you say the same things over and over again people can't get excited for you. They might pretend that they are impressed or excited but they probably resent you.  In fact, I had to unfollow a friend on instagram yesterday because she posted 10 daily pictures of her kids.  It's too much, people!

Say things once.  If you have a rude comment to say in regards to the way someone else is living their life you should probably just keep it to yourself or start a blog like this one so people who actually care can listen.  I just never want to live my life and do things because I'm looking for praise in everything I do.  Sounds hard... and hamburger-less.