We all have issues, mine are just weird.

I like to think that I'm a pretty put together human being.  Aside from my Netflix binge-watching problem, I know how to sew! I feel like that's pretty cool.  I also have that piece of paper that says I have a Bachelor's of Science (or "BS", if you will, because that's what it feels like sometimes). One time I learned some html coding stuff outside of Myspace profile designs and set up my own website from scratch. And I sometimes find myself knowing way too many things about people I'll never meet or things I'll never do or see.  I know things...

I'm also kind of a hypocrite.  If you quickly jumped to agreeing with that statement you can just imagine me punching you in the face because that's rude and rude people deserve to be punched.  (Crap! I just realized that I'm being a hypocrite now by I'm saying I'm one but not allowing you to think the same thing.) This is a mess.  

I was called out today by my older sister who had a mini intervention with me over the phone.  You see, I hate going to any kind of doctor.  I'm not sure why because I honestly haven't been that many times and don't have any traumatizing experiences that I can think of.  I just don't like the idea that they can look inside you and find things that are wrong.  I also don't like that they can have last names like "Fillerup" when they are a Cooter Doctor. (I threw the word cooter in for my mom because she loves that word.  Me, though? I prefer coochie, hoohaw, vag, or even VaJarna--Parmites, you know what I'm talking about.  Sorry for getting weird just now) If you're still reading and are curious, that is a legit last name of an OBGYN here in Layton.  Vomit.  Also, just know that I don't mean to be irrational.  In fact, I'm admitting right now that I have some issues (not womanly if you were wondering from all the lady part talk I just made you sit through).  The only thing worst than fearing the idea of having things wrong with you is knowing that I can't get them fixed if you don't know they're there and you can't know they are there without getting it checked.  NIGHTMARE!

I've dealt with some minor anxiety issues for a few years but have always felt like I have it under control by myself.  Since my first panic attack in 2009 I've learned that they always quickly pass if I focus on my breathing (rubbing my chest over my heart also helps) and try to keep myself away from super stressful situations.   As a daughter of someone who's dealt with some health issues you'd think that I would be the first person to get myself in to see someone about any issue since I'm always having my mom make appointments for hers.  I always tell her, "if we don't get this fixed then it will never get better." See.. baby hypocrite Jenn. 

So I guess I need to apologize to my mom and Jamie for saying one thing and doing another.  In my defense, though, most of the times I do straight up tell them "I'm not making that appointment." 

No one likes to admit that they have problems, no matter how minor they are because it makes us feel weak.  Of course, this isn't true. I'm not sure what's going on because I haven't actually seen anyone about it yet but I do finally have an appointment to see someone in a couple of weeks (thanks jaym *Winky/Eye roll face).  The thought still makes me want to vomit and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all day.

I'm not as put together as I pretend to be most of the time.   I have more irrational fears than most people I know and have the hardest time doing certain things that most people don't even have to think twice about.  For example, (just to give you a taste since I'm laying it all out there) I have the HARDEST time going certain places or doing certain things by myself.  Doctor?  Drive-Thru?  Forget about it.  I'm a pretty independent person though so this has always bothered me about myself.  It's like my brain just won't let me do it or makes me think really hard about something I shouldn't have to think about at all. According to my smart mother, that is an issue. I've gotten a lot better at it since I've realized that being single is the fate of my 20's and possibly beyond which means you have to do things by yourself if you want to survive.  Don't worry, I grocery shop by myself like a champ now. *insert facial gesture that shows how proud of myself I am without seeming too cocky because it's nothing to be cocky about at all.*

You're probably laughing at me right now and that's OK, because I like to find humor in things that tick me off about myself too.  I will chuckle with you. We all have problems!! For some reason mine is just this brain of mine that doesn't know when to shut up sometimes. I guess I'm just a baby who needs to grow up and start taking my own advice that I would give everyone else. 

I'm working on it :) Sometimes I just need a little push.  Thank heavens for families and people who love me and know how what's best and how to approach it.  

gah!