Gunk.

I'm just going to type.
List form?
OK.

1.) I'm not depressed.  I've been feeling like my posts have been super 'depressing' lately.  I don't mean for them to be that way and really, I'm not depressed.  I just have so much crap going on [like I know everyone does] right now so I've been having a lot more thoughts and so when that happens, I write them down more.  Geez, I really need to start writing more when I have positive and happy things to say. Anyways, I just want to let you know that I'm not depressed.  I'm going through a little bit of crap...From figuring out what I need to be doing next, to being disappointed with people I care about, all the way to finding out that a few of the dearest people in my life might be moving really far away from me for a while.  It's been a really hard week altogether but I love realizing how strong I really am.  It sounds kind of dumb but it's amazing how no matter what I go through, it really isn't anything that I can't handle with a little time, patience and prayer.  I still continue to get up every morning and live my life because I have some pretty great things to live for.  See--totally not depressed.  Just dealin' ;)

2.)  Although, I'm not depressed, I do find myself feeling a little tired.  I'm tired of caring so much about people's feelings and about their futures and what they are doing [or not doing] in their lives.  I'm tired of putting myself second.  And honestly, I'm working on doing better at this.  But the truth is that behind all of "THIS" that makes up who Jenn is as a person.. it's really just a while lot of heart.  I love my family and my close friends and at the end of the day I just want them to be smart and I just want them to be happy.  I think I might let my heart get too involved in certain people's lives. Loving certain people too much has kind of been my curse, but I suppose it's a good curse to have.

3.) I've realized that I am really good at being truthful with others and being super realistic with them but when it comes to myself, I kind of super suck at it.  Sometimes I flat out lie to myself and I don't mean too.  I think, "you'll be fine," "It's not a big deal to do this/say that," "You're just confusing your feelings ..you don't really.. you couldn't." I think this is an issue I've dealt with for a pretty long time.  You can call it poor confidence or whatever you want to call it but it doesn't change the fact that it's there.  I feel like I'm the smartest person when it comes to giving other people advice but, when it comes to myself....I'm lame.  Maybe that's how most people are?  We don't want to believe our inner most feelings sometimes because we know that if we hold it in then we can just keep life the same way it is and we don't have to worry about falling on our face even harder and getting hurt.  The crappy part of that plan is that we risk the chance of being happier and getting what our heart really wants.  It's rough, I know.

So the confession of the day is that when it comes to others, I'm a pretty honest and realistic person... but when it comes down to me?  I'm the worst liar.

I could sit here and tell you that the one thing you are thinking about right now, that thing that you haven't said out loud or admitted you want to do..that you should just go out and do it and see what happens.  But I can't do that because I'd be a hypocrite when it comes to just a couple of things.  But it doesn't have to be that way...haha.

baby steps.

4.) While talking to my mom yesterday morning on the phone she told me about how my dad starting talking to her about me the night before right out of the blue.  He expressed his concern for me and said, "she deserves better."  I just love my dad.  He's gotten soft in his older years but I love how much he loves his children even though we don't see him very often or really talk to him on the phone (mom relay's the messages) but I know how much he loves me.  I can't help but feel the love of my Heavenly Father through him.  Think about it.  If my earthy Father loves me this much, and I have so many other people who love me how much must my Heavenly Father love me?  A whole lot.  Enough to send me here to wonderful parents who raised me to know that things I know and to help get me to this exact moment in my life, having learned the lessons that I've learned, and met the people I've met and making me the person that I am.  I know that my Heavenly parents and Earthly parents want the best for me and I'm really trying to be the great person they see when they think about me.  I'm far from how great they think I am but my goal is to become that person.  And it's hard.  But it's nice to know that I have great people who are cheering for me and want the best for me.

5.)  Sometimes we do stupid things and get ourselves into stupid situations.  I, for example, do them all the time.  But as a goal, I'm going to try and not rehash them once the lesson is learned because I know that the only way that we can move forward and learn from our mistakes is when we leave them behind and let ourselves (and others) move on.  BUT, I've learned that if you don't change anything, no matter how small the change is, you'll find yourself back in the same situation again, repeating the cycle.  It's rough, believe me, I know.  I guess it's just figuring out what is worth it...

Actually, I'm just going to stop there.  I think that's really what it's all about.  All the things I've been thinking about lately and all the inner conflict I've been having, the question I've really needed to be asking myself is, "Is it worth it?"  Are people worth fighting for?  Will it really matter if I keep going down a certain path or do I need to make changes (big or small) so I can get to where I want to be?  Is what I say I'm fighting for really worth it?

WHAT are we fighting for?

true happiness, I suppose.

Sure, people will come and go, we'll find ourselves doing stupid things that might make us think we are "happy" for a little bit, or being jealous for reasons we have no control over, or so involved in other people's lives that we forget about our own...  We'll have things we want to say or do but we know we can't because it's not going to get us where we eventually want to be...or we can keep lying to ourselves saying that if we keep going the way we are going that things will be "fine," ..but is "fine" good enough?

We have to remember what we are capable of and what we REALLY want out of life.
If you've forgotten what that is, search for it.

Figure it out and ....
Keep fighting.